Book Review: A Hilarious Guide to Querying Literary Agents

 Fake Query Letters by Dead Authors: A Satirical Craft Guide to Writing Queries That Survive the Slush Pile, by David Brown and Michelle Barker (Darling Axe Publishing)

How-to books for authors abound in today’s market. Not all the advice is worth taking. Indeed, much of it seems to be based on outdated practices, flawed “conventional wisdom,” or is intended for novice self-published authors. Very little is aimed at serious authors interested in traditional publishing or established midlist authors scrambling to keep up with today’s rapidly changing market. Much of it is contradictory and involves a great deal of telling the author how to get an agent instead of showing pitfalls and best practices.

The latest entry in this field is the delightful, highly informative book, Fake Query Letters by Dead Authors: A Satirical Craft Guide to Writing Queries That Survive the Slush Pile, by David Brown and Michelle Barker of Darling Axe. They open with this intriguing premise:

 What if the greatest novels ever written had to survive today's slush pile? No reputation to fall back on—just a cover letter and first page... and an agent who's already read 200 queries before lunch.

Spoiler: most of them wouldn't make it. 

Using five classic novels (Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, The Scarlet Letter, Anne of Green Gables, and Jane Eyre) they first demonstrate the worst possible way the authors could query an agent and how to fix their disastrous mistakes.

 Query guidelines for literary agents vary, but most include a letter, synopsis, and sample pages, which are often the first chapter). We already know (and, hopefully, love) the text, which gives us a foundation to evaluate each horrible, rejection-guaranteed sample letter and synopsis. The authors invite us to imagine ourselves as literary agents at the end of a punishing work week, facing an Inbox jammed with queries. (So much fun!) What would tempt us to read the entire query and then—oh joy!—request the entire manuscript?

Highly recommended for fiction writers at all stages of their careers for whom a literary agent is appropriate. Also highly recommended for indie (self-published) writers for invaluable insights into how to craft a compelling novel and then present it at its best. After all, in today’s overcrowded market, readers will decide to pick up a book on the same basis of a dynamite pitch.

Query Letters Take Practice

"If you don't tell me what your book is about, it's game over,"  says literary agent Janet Reid,in her blog post, "Every query letter must have this one thing."

This seems self-evident, but Janet's blogged about a gazillion different ways writers can get it wrong. Some of that is undoubtedly due to not understanding the function of a query letter. It could also be due to the difficult of changing gears. Harry Turtledove once said that novels teach you what to put into a story, and short stories teach you what to take out. Well, query letters are like short stories all mixed up with novels and then put on diet pills (the kind that make you so jittery, you want to jump out of your skin). Here you've spent all this time developing and deepening and creating interwoven connections and layers of nuance...and then you ask your muse to encapsulate 100,000 words in ONE SENTENCE.

Yep, it's the elevator pitch. Without the snazzy. But with the snazzy. A different kind of snazzy.

Even seasoned writers blanch at the prospect. But look at it this way: in today's publishing market, this is a necessary skill. That's true even if you're self-published - you still need to communicate that nugget of coolness-of-story-experience in very few words. The thing is, we think we can do this just because we can write a novel. It's a different skill. One that we can learn. One that we can practice. (And one that our friends can help us with, by feedback.)

So I remind myself (a) I wasn't born knowing how to do this; (b) having written umpteen novels does not in itself grant me the knowledge of how to do this; (c) just like learning to write said novels, I'm going to make a bunch of mistakes before I get better at it.