On Being a Bipolar Writer
By B.A. Williamson
It’s pretty hard to write this right now. Each sentence is
taking a conscious effort. Why? Well, I’m depressed. Unsurprisingly, given the
current circumstances. Cancelling all my book launch events and conference
panels didn’t help.
There’s not always a reason. Occasionally this just happens.
But I can say this depression is “just a phase” without any hint of
condescension, because for me, it’s true. I’m bipolar.
Sometimes I just want to lay on the couch and escape. Hours
of video games are good for this, though not exactly healthy. I suffer from the
emptiness and lethargy that is familiar to millions of sufferers of depression.
What’s less familiar is the other side of the coin—my manic
episodes. I have unlimited energy and focus, and can dive into projects for
hours on end, and the words just flow. Everything I write is the best
thing anyone has ever written. (Impaired judgment is another symptom.)
Manic energy can be a superpower, if harnessed correctly. I
can hit any deadline, tackle any obstacle, and breeze through it with the
confidence of a narcissistic tiger owner. But as I said, it’s a double-edged
sword. The crushing writer’s despair is even worse, and can wipe out all the
progress I’ve made.
Writing helps. Getting things out on the page helps. During
a depressive episode, it takes a monumental effort to sit down and get moving.
But even as I type this, it has become easier. I do feel better. I’m not
agonizing over every punctuation mark, and hey, I’ve produced about 250 words
so far! Halfway there.
Routines help, too. And outlines. The less you have to
think, the lower the energy it takes to get started. I don’t have to think,
just check the outline, do what it says, and follow the routine. They also keep
me moving at those times when I’m balanced, and don’t have that supply of manic
energy to rely on.
Whenever I want to give up before I’ve even started, I tell
myself to write three sentences. That’s the rule—three sentences, then you can
quit. Anyone can write three sentences. My seven-year-old can write three
sentences. And to this day, I’ve never stopped at three sentences. I may only
get a few paragraphs, but that’s still overshooting my goal by quite a bit.
