Short Book Review: If Cats Could Type

Starter Villain, by John Scalzi (Tor)

Charlie seems like an average guy, having given up his career as a journalist for substitute teaching that barely pays for groceries and cat food. He’s kind and sweet, a sucker for a cute cat or two. His current dream is to buy a landmark pub, although it’s unlikely the bank will approve the loan. To make matters worse, his siblings want to sell the house they jointly own. Then his long-lost Uncle Jake dies, and before Charlie realizes what’s going on, he finds himself heir to a supervillain business and the target of his uncle’s rivals, a cabal of rich, soulless multinational predators. Along the way, Charlie discovers a knack for negotiating with wisecracking sentient dolphins who threaten a strike if their demands for better working conditions aren’t met, intelligent spy cats who communicate via typewriters, and a terrifyingly competent henchwoman.

It's all brilliantly witty but with an undercurrent of thoughtfulness. Again and again, Charlie demonstrates how logic, common sense, and an utter lack of deference to bullies can and do prevail. The dialog is top-notch, as are the reversals and plot twists. Having grown up in a union family, I heartily cheered for dolphin workers’ rights.

Fun reading for you and your cats.

Short Book Reviews: A Cozy Battle-Orc Fantasy

 Bookshops & Bonedust, by Travis Baldree (Tor)

Is there such a thing as a cozy high fantasy with a female battle-orc heroine? Elves, dwarves, enchanted swords, necromancers…and spicy romance novels? Yes to all of this, because Travis Baldree has invented the subgenre!

Bookshops & Bonedust is a delightful prequel to Legends and Lattes, although each works beautifully on its own.

Recuperating from wounds incurred in the hunt for a powerful necromancer, battle-orc soldier-of-fortune Viv finds herself in the sleepy beach town of Murk with nothing to do. In desperation born of overwhelming boredom, she follows the literary suggestions of Fern, the ratkin owner of a dying bookstore. Any fantasy reader worth their salt knows what comes next! Not only is Viv drawn into the enchanted world of novels but she sets about reviving the bookstore, complete with a surprise appearance by the elf author of fabled romance adventures. Along the way, Viv encounters a gnome with a chip on her shoulder, a retired mercenary turned baker extraordinaire, a mysterious traveler in gray, and a talking bag of bones. All is not hunky-dory in Murk, however, for the necromancer responsible for Viv’s injury is still on the loose…

I loved every page of it!

Short Book Reviews: Demons Never Lie

 The Long Game, by K. J. Parker (Subterranean)

Demons never lie. They just don’t tell the entire truth, especially when it involves a plot running for thousands of years to ultimately seduce humankind so that Evil can reign on Earth.

The unnamed narrator is an Ecclesiastical Adept, rather full of himself and his abilities (including the knack for sliding through exams with the least possible amount of effort other than raw talent). He’s supposed to be carefully guarding the world against the forces of Evil in the form of demons, but actually he has—somehow, he’s not sure exactly how—formed a friendship with one of the Enemy’s minions. The demon is no match for the Adept’s powers and all too ready to exchange a few favors here and there for the right to continued residence in the mortal realms. So when a young, beautiful, mysterious woman from a land formerly thought to be mythical murders a local prior, it’s up to the Adept and his ever-helpful demon to solve the case. But nothing is as it seems when it comes to demons. They are notorious for playing the Long Game, in this case, The Very, Very, Very Long Game. They do this by telling the truth. Just not all of it.

The best thing about this short novel is the wonderful voice of the narrator, snappy and sarcastic and oh-so-unreliable when it comes to his own nature and motives. And the plot twists. And the mystery. It’s just delicious!

 

Short Book Reviews: Witches and Pirates in Love

The League of Gentlewomen Witches, by India Holton (Berkeley)

This book ought to have been sub-titled, Witches and Pirates Pretending to Hate One Another but Really Having Way Too Much Fun. And falling in love. Rival organizations, the Wisteria Society (pirates who go to battle in flying houses) and the League of Gentlewomen Witches (who insist that witchcraft doesn’t exist and will batter you with tea and polite manners until you agree) have been at odds forever. When an immensely powerful amulet is re-discovered, it’s a race for who can get their hands on it first. For the witches, Charlotte Pettifer, titular heir to the League’s leadership. For the pirates, well…all of them but in particular Alex O’Riley, who has made a lifelong study of the art of being a dashing rogue. Blades clash, sparks fly, passions ignite, and humor abounds. Hilarity and wit embroider every page, but underneath lie more serious themes: lingering childhood trauma and its effect on self-esteem, and the healing power of honesty, acceptance, and love.

And tea.

Short Book Reviews: Middle Grade Walkabout with a Guru

Crazy in Poughkeepsie, by Daniel Pinkwater; Aaron Renier illustrator (Tachyon)

It’s difficult to find words to describe a Daniel Pinkwater book because they are a unique breed that defies the usual literary terminology: they’re enchanting (often literally), playful, spontaneous (as in combustion, upon occasion), and hilarious-yet-insightful. In other words, a Daniel Pinkwater book provides the occasion for parents wrestling the copy from their kids, and vice versa, so why not avoid bloodshed, or paper-shred, and read them aloud together?

Mick’s ordinary life comes to a screeching 180 degree turn when his older brother returns home from Tibet with Guru Lumpo Smythe-Finkel and his dog, Lhasa, and Mick finds himself—how, he’s never entirely clear—the guru’s new disciple. Guru, disciple, and magical dog set off on a quest that’s as notable for its vagueness as its unpredictability. They acquire fellow travelers, graffiti-fanatic Verne and Molly, a Dwergish girl (sort of like leprechaun trolls with hidden goals, magical powers, a gift for making friends, and a charmingly madcap sense of humor). Soon they’re cavorting with a ghost whale who is the essence of love, as well as other wacky and memorable characters.

Pinkwater’s in on a great secret: if you want to communicate wisdom to young readers, first make them smile. Or giggle. Or run wild in Poughkeepsie, as the case may be.

Short Book Reviews: Return of the Sigil Scribe, With Chimeras

Paper & Blood (Book Two of the Ink & Sigil series, by Kevin Hearne (Del Rey)

I’m a huge fan of Kevin Hearne to begin with, and his “Ink and Sigil” series is a delight. As a former student of calligraphy, I love the idea that the written word is magical. In this series, set in the world of the Iron Druid, scribes create magical spells using not only words, but painstakingly prepared pens, inks, and paper. The spells include the Sigils of Unchained Destruction, Restorative Care, Agile Grace, Muscular Brawn, and Quick Compliance and are used to protect the world against malevolent gods and monsters.

Our everyman-hero, Al MacBharrais, is under a couple of nasty spells himself. If he speaks to someone more than a few times, they loathe him (this happened to his own son), and his apprentices die violently after a year of service. This isn’t good news for his hobgoblin apprentice, Buck Foi. While Al is searching for a way to lift his misfortunes, his fellow sigil agents go missing in the wilds of Australia. Al and Buck are off to the rescue, joined by one of the missing agent’s apprentices, his receptionist Gladys Who Has Seen Some Shite, a few sundry allies, and the Iron Druid himself. The search leads them to a forested preserve, where chimeric monsters lie in wait. These critters are sometimes more effective and lethal than others, but always inventive: a turtle-dragon-spider, an eagle bull, a scorpion with a rat’s head (ugh), pygmy goats with fanged snake heads, a gorilla elephant, a yak badger, and my favorite, a zebra possum.

All in all, this is a quick, fun read filled with plot twists and delightful characters but also depth, the best combination.

“Abandoned cheese is a sure sign that something’s gone wrong.”

Short Book Reviews: The H. P. Lovecraft Elder Gods Stalk Modern London

Dead Lies Dreaming, by Charles Stross (Tordotcom)

The Elder Gods have cast their long, twisted shadow over contemporary London, the “New Management” has transformed government into a private megacorporation, and supernatural powers are popping up in people of all walks of life. One billionaire tycoon will stop at nothing to acquire the one true Necronomicon, a cursed grimoire right out of H. P. Lovecraft. When a group of psychic misfits stages a bank robbery, ex-cop Wendy Deere is put on the job as private security to track them down and soon finds herself drawn in to the hunt for the ghastly book. The plot goes from playful to horrific, from reality-bending and beyond in true Stross fashion. Although this world has much in common with The Laundry Files, and I kept waiting for our friends from those stories to show up and save the day, to my mind this is a parallel-Laundry-Files universe, just as fun and wildly inventive, and it works great as a stand-alone.

Short Book Reviews: Mystery, Mayhem, and Magical Sigils

 Ink & Sigil: From the world of The Iron Druid Chronicles, by Kevin Hearne (Del Rey)

A delightful, stand-alone book and introduction to a whimsically wonderful system of magic, complete with supernatural beings and Glaswegian (that’s Glasgow-ian) accent. Not to mention its pervasive sense of raunchy humor. Before getting started, the author provides an introduction with pronunciation and dialect guide. I found the language hilarious, never mind the characters and plot, because when I moved to this (remote, forested) area, there was a pub a few miles out of town. The White Cockade (check your history for the meaning) was owned and bartended by a Glasgow émigré with an accent roughly equivalent to talking around bits of glass. The only way to understand him was to turn off the front part of your brain and let the words seep in through the back of your skull. Several minutes later, all would be made clear. Which resulted in interesting timing of conversation. Nice guy, though. Great cook of pub food.

So here I am in a first-person Glaswegian dialect narration, whooping with laughter and in general enjoying the story immensely. That’s pretty much all you need to know, other than there’s a reason why the Sigil Master’s apprentices keep dying of such causes as eating scones with raisins. To make matters worse, the above-mentioned Sigil Master has been cursed in such a way that if he speaks directly to a person long enough, they are seized by a sudden and violent hatred of him, no matter how loving or trusting their previous relationship was.  Although Ink and Sigil swept through a page-turning climax to a most satisfying ending, I hope to see more of its characters.

New story up on Curious Fictions, one of my favorites. Read the whole thing here.

Dragon's Beak and Wings of Bronze, or Something Unusual Happens to Allis

One summer afternoon, Lady Caroline hitched up her skirts, rolled two vinegar barrels into the corner of the cool, stone-floored herbarium and sat down for a private chat with her daughter, Allis. “You’re almost a woman, my dear, and it’s time you learned the family secret. The truth is, we’re were.”

Allis’s soft hazel eyes wandered to the hanging bundles of rosemary and feverfew. “Where?”

“Not ‘where.’ ‘Were’.” Lady Caroline sighed. Her sons were small and lean, as black-eyed and quick-tongued as she, while her only daughter . . .

“Were,” she repeated, speaking slowly so Allis could understand, “as in were-wolves. But not until your woman’s cycles come, and almost certainly not a wolf. I’m not, and neither is your aunt Jessie. Our family tradition has always been far more imaginative.”

Allis heard the sigh and the patience in her mother’s voice. Drifting on the patter of words, she guessed that something was going to happen to her, something that involved turning into an animal. Not a wolf, for she wasn’t nearly clever enough to be a wolf. Something slow and sleepy, like she felt right now. A lizard dozing in the sun? A turtle on a log?

Oh, dear. Suppose she became a were-turtle and nibbled on ants’ eggs? When she turned back into a girl, would the eggs still be inside her stomach?

Short Book Reviews: Definitely Not "The Princess Bride"

Kill the Farm Boy, by Kevine Hearne and Delilah S. Dawson, Del Rey

These days I’m on a Kevin Hearne reading spree (see my reviews of A Plague of Giants and The Squirrel on the Train) so I dove into Kill the Farm Boy, discovering to my delight that Hearne’s co-author, Delilah S. Dawson, is none other than another of my recent favorites, as Lila Bowen author of the excellent “The Shadow” series. Delight rapidly gave way to hilarity as this story unfolded, tackling one fantasy trope after another, turning them on their heads and planting petunias between their toes.

The titular farm boy is Worstley, younger brother of Bestley, who had been stabbed in the heart by Lord Ergot (if you don’t know what ergot is, pause now and look it up) for being too handsome. When a malicious pixie named Staph (aureus?) casts a spell to change Worstley into the Chosen One (and gives Gustave the goat the ability to speak, which he does in smart-ass style), it does not set well with The Dark Lord Toby (whose most powerful spell causes baked goods to rain from the sky). Opposing The Dark Lord Toby’s nefarious, yeastly plans are Fia, a 7-foot tall barbarian warrior, and her sweetheart, Argabella, a woman enchanted to be a half-rabbit, who incidentally is the world’s worst bard:

She … sang an improvised song of obfuscation:

We are not food
No sir Mister Monster
We taste super bad
Oh gods we are not food
Really really really
You gotta believe me

It’s hard to beat that.

The silliness isn’t restricted to spooks of characters from pose, verse, and film (although familiarity with J. R. R. Tolkien, Lewis Carroll, The Princess Bride, The Wizard of Oz, Grimm’s fairytales, Conan the Barbarian, and Norse mythology, to name a few, enhances the humor).

I found that I couldn’t read too many chapters at a sitting, but the play of tropes, not to mention the puns, kept me coming back for another fun visit to the Lands of Pell.