Thursday, February 5, 2015

Auntie Deborah Advises…Regarding Pesky Elves

Dear Auntie Deb,
My companions and I are on a desperate mission to save Middle Earth by throwing the One Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom. Our message to the eagles, imploring them to carry us thither, has gone unanswered. Now a misshapen, gangrel creature seems bent on blocking my every move. He insists that “Frodo Baggins must not go to Mordor!” He calls himself an elf, although he bears not the slightest semblance to them. Why have the eagles failed us and what should I do about the creature?
— Frodo

Dear Frodo,
Your creature, Dobby, is a House Elf, quite a different breed from the folk of Lothlorien and the Woodland Realm. Clearly, he suffers from Periodic Saving The Hero Disorder (PSTHD). As a result, he has acquired considerable experience in intercepting missives to helpful fowl, so it is entirely likely that the eagles never received your message. Reasoning with him will do no good, and you have no power to compel him. The only person who can do that is his master, Lucius Malfoy. As you may have suspected from Malfoy’s long, straight, white-blond hair, he is distantly related to the elves you know, although of greatly reduced circumstances, power, and nobility. My advice is to ask Legolas to have a word with Malfoy on the subject of keeping his House Elf in the proper book. You could swear never to go to Hogwarts, but I really think Legolas is your best bet.
— Auntie Deborah

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