Dear Auntie Deb,
My companions and I are on a desperate mission to save
Middle Earth by throwing the One Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom. Our message
to the eagles, imploring them to carry us thither, has gone unanswered. Now a misshapen,
gangrel creature seems bent on blocking my every move. He insists that “Frodo Baggins
must not go to Mordor!” He calls himself an elf, although he bears not the
slightest semblance to them. Why have the eagles failed us and what should I do
about the creature?
— Frodo
Dear Frodo,
Your creature, Dobby, is a House Elf, quite a different
breed from the folk of Lothlorien and the Woodland Realm. Clearly, he suffers
from Periodic Saving The Hero Disorder (PSTHD). As a result, he has acquired considerable
experience in intercepting missives to helpful fowl, so it is entirely likely
that the eagles never received your message. Reasoning with him will do no
good, and you have no power to compel him. The only person who can do that is
his master, Lucius Malfoy. As you may have suspected from Malfoy’s long,
straight, white-blond hair, he is distantly related to the elves you know,
although of greatly reduced circumstances, power, and nobility. My advice is to
ask Legolas to have a word with Malfoy on the subject of keeping his House Elf
in the proper book. You could swear never to go to Hogwarts, but I really think
Legolas is your best bet.
— Auntie Deborah
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