Hello. My name is Sarah
Zettel. And I’m a science fiction writer (Hi, Sarah). The thing is, I’m a
science fiction writer who is currently writing mysteries. About vampires. And
food.
I wish I could take credit for the
idea of the vampire chef, but I can’t. The idea itself came from the late,
great publisher and editor, Marty Greenberg, and I was just lucky enough to be
an author with time enough to take on the project (truth was, I was out of work
when the chance came). The first thing I did — after contacting a food critic
friend and buying KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL — was start reading every
vampire-starring book I could get my hands on. I was not really a reader of the
modern vampire before this, and I needed to know what I was talking about
before I settled into making jokes about it.
Thing is, as I’m a science fiction
writer by nature, there was no way I was going to be able to write about
vampires in Manhattan without going into the history of vampires, and the world
of vampires “real” and literary. And there was no way all the results of that
research were going into the books. Nor was there anyway all of it should.
This used to be a problem for
authors. We had reams of research and strange ideas we had to squirrel away in
our mental attics, and sometimes our real attics. Fortunately, in the 21st
century, we have blogs.
So, with the kind indulgence of our
hostess, I give you, dear readers, a history of the literary vampire, in
dialogue form.
HANGIN’ WITH A VAMPIRE
[In which the
author is discovered standing at her front door behind a pile of rice, holding
her crucifix and holy water and calling out sacred names. Soundlessly, a
silhouette slips up to the window, a pale hand is laid on the glass, and a rich
voice, impossibly old and dangerously young at the same time begins to speak]
“Hey, can I come in? ‘Cause, like,
the sun’s comin’ up and I’m gonna start sparkling any minute here.”
“Edward?”
“Yeah. Can you, like, let me in,
please?”
“Holy cow! Get in here. Edward! I
thought maybe…”
“Maybe, what? That I was like, a
real vampire?”
“No, no, of course not.”
“It’s okay. Everybody thinks it.”
“They don’t. You’ve got millions of
fans…”
“Well, I think it. And they’re
right.”
“You are a real vampire, Ed. You
suck blood…”
“Ah, that doesn’t count. Besides,
except for Bella, I haven’t like, chowed on a human in decades. I’m starting to
forget what they taste like.”
“Well don’t look at me, kid.”
“See! See! You’re not even scared of
me! And what’s with the cross?”
“It’s a crucifix, and it’s supposed
to remind you of your eternal damnation.”
“Yeah, right. I’m damned. I’m a
daddy!”
“‘S what you get for having
unprotected sex, Ed.”
“But I don’t want this! I don’t want
to be married to my high school sweetheart. What kind of life is that for a
vampire! I want a harem of sinister undead beauties in white nighties at my
beck and call! I want to fly! I want to bring on floods of rats and turn into
creeping fog! I want to destroy virgins and chew on a corpse laid out in a chapel!
I want to be a vampire! A real vampire!”
“Sorry Ed. You’re the result of
hundreds of years of evolution and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“What do you mean, evolution? I’m
UNDEAD. The undead don’t evolve.”
“Yeah, you do. Listen, there are two
main species of vampire; the monstrous, ugly, permanently damned, corpse-eating
kind, and the seductive, discreet neck-puncturing kind. The monster line has
just kind of…died out. That’s the problem with symbiosis.”
“Symbiosis? We’re top predator,
man!”
“Yeah, and what happens when the top
predator eats too many of the prey? The predator dies back. Then you’ve got the
problem that your particular preferred prey tends to mob up and fight back. Now,
what happens in every story where the vamp chomps through a village or tries to
convert the local beauty?”
“(Mumble)”
“Didn’t hear you there, Ed.”
“They get…staked.”
“Or burned, or otherwise made to
cease to exist. Right. Now, what happens in all the stories where the vamp is
broody yet powerful and finds a woman who loves him more than life itself.”
“(Mumble)”
“If that was “they live,” well,
continue to walk the earth anyway, you’d be right. Classic evolutionary
pressure. The monsters died, the Undead Lord Byrons lived.”
“So how did this happen? I mean,
Vlad the Impaler did not have girlfriend trouble!”
“Women got the vote.”
“Huh?”
“The vampire myth is a rape myth,
Ed. It’s a warning to young girls not to trust the handsome stranger who
promises you the moon and the stars if you’ll just come up to the castle and
look at his etchings. It’s about how every guy wants your virginity and if you
give it up, you’re worse than dead. By the time Braham Stoker got hold of it
and wrote ‘Dracula,’ it became a story about how young women need to be saved
from their sexual feelings which will inevitably lead them to death, or worse.”
“Those wacky Victorians.”
“You got that right. I mean, what’s
the plot of ‘Dracula?’ Girl falls for vampire, stalwart hero saves girl from
vampire, girl becomes proper wife, and presumably forgets all about those silly
cravings. But, see, the problem was women didn’t WANT to forget all about those
silly cravings. They wanted the guy who would take them away from the fate of
being a proper wife.
“And women buy books. Lots and lots
of books.”
“I noticed. But, wait, you’re saying
the whole falling in love with a vampire thing is an expression of sexual
freedom…”
“About which American society still
has really mixed feelings. We still see sexually free women as doing something
really dangerous, so we’re still equating seductive men with monsters …”
“But what about Vampire Lestat? He’s
gay! You can’t tell me women are running around falling in love with a gay
guy!”
“OMG. Clearly, the undead do not
read manga. Lestat’s your grandfather, Ed. He was the beginning of the modern
trend. The first vampire hero. Oh, there’d been attempts to re-vamp (you should
excuse the expression) Dracula with things like Fred Saberhagen’s “Dracula
Files,” but it was Lestat who took off. He was perfect. A handsome, broody
monster who actually loved deeply, who did right in the end, and was absolutely
unattainable because he was a gay vampire, so everybody could fantasize about
being the one he actually came to love.”
“You are kidding me.”
“Nope. ‘Fraid not. And you’ll
notice, the vamps didn’t remain gay. They went back to heterosexuality very
quickly after Anne Rice. These days the vampire myth isn’t just about sexual
freedom. It’s about obtaining what everybody says you can’t have and shouldn’t
want.”
“So, what, now I’m a piece of really
good chocolate?”
“Actually, I think you personally
might be a Mormon.”
“What?”
“Never mind. I can’t back it up. But
the chocolate metaphor is good. You’re the forbidden in a manageable package. Just
the right amount of danger.”
“Because women buy a lot of books?”
“Last big gasp of the monster line
was Stephen King’s SALEM’S LOT, and even he couldn’t stand up to the power of
the women’s vote.”
“But, wait a minute. What about all
those kick-butt, vampire hunting heroines?”
“Very powerful expression of the
fantasy of freedom. Those women are absolutely without question not victims. The
KBVHH chooses to love a vampire. And because she invariably looks hot in black
leather, the guys don’t mind looking at her either. Equal opportunity eye-candy
may be the ultimate evolutionary force.”
“I’m, like, so gonna wring Angel’s
neck. He should have chomped Buffy a good one when he had the chance.”
“I don’t think you can kill a vampire
by strangulation, Ed.”
“So, that’s it?”
“‘Fraid so, Ed. You’re stuck being
the hero.”
“But…like it’s not the end, is it? I
mean, we changed once, we can change again, right?”
“Could happen.”
“Then I’ll be the first of the new
breed! I’ll be dark! I’ll be death on silent leather wings! I’ll rip the hearts
out of my enemies and…hey, what time is it?”
“Almost nine.”
“Ah, crap! I gotta get going. Bella’s
taking classes at the community college and I’ve got to take care of the kid.”
“I bet you even drink wine don’t
you?”
“Starbucks, mostly.”
“Good luck, Ed.”
Sarah Zettel is the
author of numerous science fiction and fantasy novels, including the award
winning BITTER ANGELS (writing as C.L. Anderson). Most recently, she’s the
author of the Vampire Chef mysteries: A TASTE OF THE NIGHTLIFE and LET THEM EAT
STAKE. You can find out more about her books at www.sarahzettel.com and, of course at www.bookviewcafe.com of which she is a member along with many other
notables, including Deborah J. Ross.
Excellent piece! ... I never thought of Vampire Evolution, but you've hit the nail on the head.
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